Land of Confusion

My Reason

squoshy — Mon, 27 Jul 2009 03:01:00 +0000

Reading back over the pain I used to feel, I am still so stunned at the enormity of my current feelings of sheer bliss. The dark shroud of despair lifted so easily that I find myself questioning it even now. That little voice inside still lingers, do I really deserve to be this happy, am I worthy of his love, will I ever be able to live up to being the person he imagines me to be. But I quell my fears with the knowledge that I have been reborn into what was always meant to be. He has always been there with me, sustaining me through those darkest times, why else would I still be here? That part of me that has always been missing has actually been there all along, I just didn’t know it until now. He was there, just out of view, feeding my optimism. Making sure that a part of me stayed alive for us to be able to find each other now. Even now when doubt and despair threaten to intrude upon my serenity, the knowledge that he too is living and breathing this same dream sustains me, and I want to live forever. I am free to be the person that I always was, free to be myself, secure in the knowledge that I am, in fact, enough. To be somebody’s everything, somebody reason for being. That is all I desire to be, to make him happy for the rest of our lives. To be his person, his comfort, his rock. I want to be the stability and security that he has never felt, to love him to the exclusion of all else. To make sure that for every remaining second of his existence, that he is in no doubt that I love him, in entirety, with everything that I possess. I would give my life for you my love, you truly are the reason that I am alive, and you will be until the end of time. Words cannot come close to being able to express the depth of my love for you, all I can do is to be here, loving you, until we go together into eternity.

Faith – never stop believing in miracles 7

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:52:24 +0000

I lay on the grass today in the front garden and closed my eyes. If I close them tight and look inside I can be back at the top of the rec, my head resting on your chest. I used to hear your voice in my ears and through your chest. I could feel you shake with laughter. I remembered the texture of your jacket. Most of all I remember feeling like nothing and nobody could hurt me, ever. Since then I seem to have been floundering, anchor-less, suffering through eating disorders and terrible relationships. There has been a huge gaping hole in my life that I vainly tried to fill. I searched and searched, tried therapy, medication, abused alcohol, wrote journals, anything I could think of but it never went away. I always seemed to be sad and lonely, full of horrible feelings no matter what I was doing. I actually shredded a lot of my journals because reading them made me cry and I didn’t want anybody to find them if I died, and to know what a terrible life I had. Then, all of a sudden you were there and everything changed. I am whole again, there is nothing missing. It has to be, as you said so beautifully, that we are two halves of one soul, as it is only now feel that I feel complete. I have climbed out of that heinous dark pit of despair into a world of warmth, love and light. It is nirvana. I feel alive again for the first time in forever. I love you so so much. Thank you for coming back into my life and making it so beautiful again.

Low 6

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:47:10 +0000

I have had a totally shitty day; I feel hollow and sad. The low has descended again and I feel ugly, dirty and used. What is wrong with me? I hate the way that I feel. I can’t control other people but I guess I need to be told that it is still OK.

It is odd how writing it all down does actually help a little bit sometimes. I guess it is the puking words thing. If I can spew it all out onto paper then it’s not twisting around all bottled up inside me anymore.

I can’t quite believe that all this has happened. I wonder if it has been a dream but my heavy heart knows better. I have felt the worst I have felt for a long long time – maybe alive – but wishing I wasn’t here. I need to come back down to Earth and settle back into my humdrum existence again, facing the reality that my scummy life is all I have.

Another Day 5

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:45:18 +0000

So another day begins – my eyes opened and I checked my heart. It is still there – still hurting, still sad, but a bit more resigned to being a dummy looser today. I must have been crazy-mad to think that I could have stayed attractive or desirable to anybody, but I am looking into my eyes in the mirror wondering why? Those dumb questions circling my thoughts like big black vultures, around and around. I want to feel ‘normal’ but I have no clue what ‘normal’ is and what it is supposed to feel like. I can feel my brain churning and dragging me down deeper into the hell pit of despair. I know that nobody really knows how I feel because they treat me like they always have – my buddies see me as I want them to see me – fun, happy, capable. It’s only my insides that are broken and I keep those covered by skin. From the outside I suppose I look normal, thank goodness nobody can see behind my smile. I had a conversation with my parents this morning and actually took notice of all the criticisms and little bits of ‘advice’. I am a grown up here, doing grown up things and I don’t need to be kept in my place – I know enough about what I actually can do to know that it is OK. It is second nature for me to question everything I do and to come up short, that’s how it’s always been but I am think I am actually doing a good job raising my kids and running my house. My home is clean and presentable, my kids are well fed, provided for, nurtured and loved. I play with them, we have fun. We do things together. I tell them how amazing and wonderful they are and how much I love them. I am so proud of them. Sometimes when I look around me I can’t believe all of this other stuff is even happening. It’s like a movie. Life is happening around me and I am still stuck here in my cage, unable to break the bars and fly away.

Puking Words 4

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:44:26 +0000

Good Lord, this is becoming annoying – I am puking words. It is more appealing than puking food, and I won’t get fat, but this huge outpouring is messing with me. It is purely an emotional response to getting screwed over yet again. I am grieving the loss of something I never even actually had in the first place, but here I am, bereft. Another hole has been drilled into my soul that is now a gaping chasm of gloom and despair. I wish I knew what I wanted – but if I did I probably couldn’t have it anyway  another problem with being an intelligent Pisces – what a bummer. Perfection is over-rated – you can’t keep it and once you have experienced it, you are spoiled for real life. Real life SUCKS. The problem is that real life is all we really have. There are moments, golden fleeting moments of pure happiness that have to sustain us though the grey days of reality.

I wonder if this is supposed to be therapeutic because it’s not – I feel like CRAP.

The Day After 3

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:43:40 +0000

I am drained of life – existing, as usual, to meet the needs of others. I want to be me – to love somebody to the exclusion of thought and have them love me back – I want to live on an island of joy where reality fades into the background and everything is somehow more intense – and life is a total high. Do others fall so far, experiencing the slow agonizing death of a dream over and over again? Does anybody else want to close their eyes forever and float away on reverie and memories? Am I the only one? Could anybody ever love me as much as I love them? I have not met that person. Are those fleeting yearned for moments of delirious happiness really worth the hours, days and months of sadness and loss? I don’t know, but I keep on searching. I guess sometimes a moment of true rapture is worth it…..

My Daily Death 2

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:43:03 +0000

After the initial shock of finding out the most shittiest news, the usual torrent of questions are raining down like stinging hail – what did I do, what did I not do, did I say something wrong, did I do something wrong, was I bad, why am I never enough….. what is it about me that could always be better. I try so hard, with my heart and soul (probably my first mistake). I give all I have, I put it all out there and see what happens. I don’t pretend and I don’t tell lies, testing I guess, to see if the real me is too scary, and most times it is. The pain of being rejected whether it is something I did or not is still as agonizing now as it has ever been. I used to think I would get used to being not good enough but I never will. I have spent my life searching for somebody who will love and accept me for who and what I am – who will love me as much as I love them no matter what, who will be strong for me and will always be on my side. It is not sex thing, I just want somebody to love me, despite the fact that I am me. I can’t imagine that there is such a person but being an optimist I keep looking. I have so much of what I want in life and I know I should be thankful, no I am thankful, but I need my soul mate, my own person. Some days I hate being optimistic. Most days I am fine, but every now and then my doubts and fears spew into my reality and I see the dark twisty blackness that must somehow be secretly visible to all the people to whom I have never measured up. There must be something showing through the façade, if you were only ….., if you would just do ….., if you could just be like…… why don’t you do it like……, it would be better if you……, WHY WHY WHY can’t what I already do, who I already am, just be good enough? Good enough, just for once to still the doubts that constantly invade my waking thoughts. Just once I want to be good enough. Even my kids now see that I am not perfect. It was nice for a while, being super human but there is always somebody or something better than me. They see my flaws, my bad days, my pain. I can’t protect them from me. Maybe I project my broken soul and expect to be discarded but it never stops hurting and I don’t think it ever will. What will it take for me to be the perfect person? Because I grew up feeling so scummy and dirty and used, I never developed self confidence. Because my motives were always questioned or criticized I grew up being angry at myself. Growing up under a veil of self doubt makes me question everything, still. If I accidently become complacent and happy, thinking that I am OK something always comes along to put me back in my place, to remind me that I am not enough, never will be, and to stop dreaming. I feel so wretched, washed out and empty-sad. One day I will be somebody’s beautiful, somebody’s entire life, somebody’s reason for being, yeah, in my dreams…… I sometimes wonder if anybody else feels this way, really, but I don’t see it. I have never met anybody who would admit to feeling so wretchedly shitty inside, all the time, I think about how I feel and I want to puke – if I puke the feelings, that darkness, that nasty hateful grime that coats my inner body. Maybe if I puke enough I will feel better, but I never do. It never goes away and it always comes back to me, useless, ugly, fat, disgusting, stupid failure me. No wonder I get rejected, I deserve it. What ever made me think that anybody could like me? Stupid huh? I look at who I think I am and I would be my friend if I didn’t hate myself so much, I imagine that is why I am still trying so hard to find my perfect person.

Therapy 1 Read them in number order

squoshy — Sun, 26 Jul 2009 23:42:04 +0000

Ok – so I started having therapy, again….. Once again the optimist in me had a crazy thought that I could be ‘cured’ of whatever ails me. My therapist requested that I write down my thoughts and I began. It was harrowing and draining but as I am now in a much better place I decided it is time to post some so that I can maybe give hope to the hopeless. If you wait long enough and have faith then one day all your dreams may come true. The following posts are how I used to feel which is now a mere blip in my memory, as it has been washed clean and started anew. Always believe, as good things are always possible, miracles do happen, and life can be the best it’s ever been.

Ugh

squoshy — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 13:37:21 +0000

I wish I knew why I don’t feel like anything I do is valid and why I feel like a total failure – it’s so horrid.

Spring Break

squoshy — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 12:05:03 +0000

OK, so from a kid point of view Spring Break was a bit of a washout this year. It rained a little more than it should have and I didn’t feel like towing 3 squabbling kids around the local museum and Zoo. We had a fabulous day at the beach – cold but fun – and some great play-dates; but basically we just hung out. Last night was the best!!!! It was warm, nay hot, yesterday so in my wisdom I decided to put up the tent and invite more small people over for a camp-out/sleepover. I lit the fire pit (also igniting a very small, almost empty, gas can which caused much hilarity as I frantically beat it out with a pillow), put Kidz Bop on the CD player and the fun began. We roasted weenies and made ‘smores, jumped on the trampoline and just got really dirty and tired until we all retired to the tent. After what seemed like a million trips back into the house for something or other, I finally zipped us in and we all lay down, 6 of us across the tent, on squeaking air beds. The girls were asleep in an instant and I fell asleep before the boys, I was listening to them playing their DSs and wondering what time I should tell them to switch them off…… I woke up a few times during the night, stiff and cold but everybody else was toasty and snug in their sleeping bags. This morning they are all a bit bleary eyed, stinking of smoke, definitely in need of a long soak in the tub but they all had such a blast! They want to do it again in the summer…………………aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh